Crabs on the Rampage

Just a small blog-ette this morning re yesterday's Fringe fun, as I was at work yesterday and therefore the fun only included one thing.  However, that thing was the combination of Robin Ince's book reading/signing, and then a 'theatrical representation' of Guy N Smith's killer crab novels.

The gig took place in a converted church, now utilised as a Christian outreach centre.  On the way up the stairs I saw this notice, which tickled me.  I don't know if Jesus has ever pointed at Robin before, but if he has, I doubt it was to direct anyone to his rampaging crab musical.

First of all Robin read out some extracts from his own book which, judging by the length of the queue at the end to buy it, whetted a lot of appetites.  Having read the book, the bits were familiar to me, but still gob-smacking (especially the bit about the woman who thanked god for giving her a cancerous tumour as it made her husband finally 'see the light' as well - lots of people were wearing their 'WTF? faces, which is always excellent).

The place was packed, so I guess lots of people were pretty keen to see how the 'crab musical' was going to work out.  Aside from Robin, it also included Josie Long playing the swanee whistle and sounding like a Clanger, Stewart Lee and Kevin Eldon doing dramatic readings, Steve Pretty on trumpet accompaniment, Helen Arney who had a song about the private life of the colossal killer crab, a tap dancing lady acting the part of the killer crabs, and a girl playing the spoons along to Stewart Lee's reading. Obviously.

The extracts from the killer crabs novels were - as one might expect - preposterous, and Robin had us shouting out bits pantomime style ("...because he was a...?  BASTARD!!")

An excellent, ridiculous and certainly unique evening.  I'm pretty tempted to try and get hold of a couple of these books, though I almost had an embolism reading another book covered in 'Bad Book Club' called 'Starlust'.  And the last second hand book I bought - "The Big Book of Pantyhose Crafts" made me cry with laughter. I don't know if even rampaging crabs with an unsatisfied craving for the guts of adulterous ladies and illegitimate children could top those.

A collection of unrelated things that are pissing me off

1.  That advert with Fiona Phillips that goes "These days, I'm often asked about which anti-aging creams really work." No you're not, Fiona, that's pish and you know it.  You are not, and to my knowledge have never been, a skincare expert and certainly not someone I'd think to ask for advice about such things.  Stop talking crap.

2. Macdonalds.  Ok, they piss me off just by virtue of their very existence, but specifically they are pissing me off with their latest advert which has a bit of music that sounds ripped off from a Postgate/Firmin creation.  It has the Vernon Elliott bassoon thing going on and it is NOT RIGHT.  Do not defile my childhood memories, vile animal-killing empire of ming-purveyance.

3. The fact that Rod Stewart, the old dog, is about to have another kid.  I think he has seven already but, for christ's sake, the man is 65 years old.  What is an attractive 39 year old woman thinking?  I'd be thinking, no way mate, not even if you were chocolate coated and spunked diamonds. No. Thank. You.

4. People who think the rules don't apply to them.  How many people in one journey to or from work do I see driving whilst on their mobile phone?  Why do they think they're so special that they're excluded from the law?  I want to drag them out of their cars and punch them until they finally realise with crushing certainty that THEY ARE DICKS.

5. People who post up blogs about things that are hacking them off instead of doing the decent thing and just bottling it up and having an embolism instead. Arseholes.

Fringe Blog, Part 1 - The Mayhem Begins

After months of looking forward, the Fringe is finally here.  Ah, that feeling of being utterly skint, standing for ages in static queues with drunks jostling into you and barging to the front, the most uncomfortable seats in existence, the lashing rain and the extortionate bar prices.  But also, the fantastic festival atmosphere, the brilliant shows, the originality, the way you become used to seeing famous people wandering about, the 'festival finds' that you can recommend to everyone.  It's awesome.

This year we spent around £700 on tickets before even thinking about petrol, parking, drinks, food...so my Fringe blogs will cover a LOT of shows.  Here's the first batch.

Friday, 6 August

While at the Gilded Balloon waiting to go in to the first gig, Axis of Awesome came out of their gig and I bought a couple of their CDs and had a little chat with them.  Seeing them halfway through the fest, I think.  In fact, twice.

Kicked off the festival by seeing Patrick Monahan's show "I Walked, I Danced, Iran".  We'd seen him a few months back in the Stand, a gig at which he crowdsurfed over a section of the crowd that was about the same length as he was (and that we were sitting in).  This gig was just as memorable.  He sprinted to the stage from upstairs and then invited two members of the crowd to do the same to see how long it took in the form of a race.  Obviously, we were in the front row, so obviously, Adam was one of the two picked.  He won against a hockey-playing Aussie, by one second.  That's ma boy.  The rest of the show was just as bizarre, with punters being picked out to do the don't-fuck-with-me walk, pretend to be attack-geese, and to dance to funked-up national anthems.  All in all a great, unpredictable gig with a lot of laughs, sort of in the vein of Jason Byrne.  We had a chat with Pat (on a mat with a cat and a bat) after and he remembered us from the Stand, which was cool.  We've bumped into him about 300 times since Friday.  He is everywhere. All the time.  Like God, or that bird out of Girls Aloud.

Then we headed down to the Meadow Bar where Adam was doing a short set in a Free Fringe line up.  The room was smallish and packed solid, very snug.  After being chatted up by some drunk dude young enough to be my son, the gig started.  The only ones that stood out for me were Adam (obviously) and a guy called Jay Foreman who played guitar and did comedy songs that were really rather good.  Adam did his five minutes, which was funny, and he got a good reception from the punters.  Success.  I took some pics of him, and here is one.  It's a bit out of focus as I was snapping surreptitiously:

Apparently on the drive home, Adam decided to completely rewrite his material to make it flow better, though I'm not sure what prompted this!

Saturday 7 August

First show of the day was "Pointless Anger, Righteous Ire" with Robin Ince and Michael Legge.  That's an explosive double act right there, an embolism waiting to happen.  The show was ace.  I suggested the recent 'squirrel drowning' story as something that had been infuriating, and the punters agreed.  Robin and Michael were both on excellent ranty form and a particular highlight for me was Michael reading his furious blog about going to Sainsbury's to buy quinoa.  A hilarious show and well worth going back to later in the run if we have any gaps left.

Then, as tradition (and Herring) dictates, round to the Tempting Tattie for a bite to eat.  I plumped for death by carbs and had a medium tattie (i.e. two giant spuds) with cheese pasta.  Yummers.  And then to the Stand for Stewart Lee's "Vegetable Stew".  I think this might be Stewart's best show yet.  He certainly seemed more upbeat and happy, but without losing his trademark delivery.  I never knew crisps could be so amusing, but they bloody are.  There were no lulls in the gig, just constant comedy - brilliant.  Plus he was really nice to me when I asked him to sign my book even though he was quietly having a fag and might not have felt like being asked.  Unfortunately outside the Stand when talking to Stewart, we hadn't realised Jason Cook, who we know quite well, was nearby, and didn't speak to him.  We didn'r recognise him with his new short hair.  Apologised profusely later. Sorry, Jase.  We still love you.

Then, back into the Stand for Sarah Millican's "Chatterbox".  Expected this show to be fantastic and wasn't disappointed.  It was a full hour of that sort of laughter where you have to make an effort to catch a breath in between.  I love her delivery and the expressions on her face when she's talking about something really very vile.  She makes the whole thing look very easy and although she doesn't cover anything out of the ordinary, she does it in a fresh, hilarious and often downright filthy way.  She has so many lines that make you think, feck, I wish I'd thought of that.  During the gig she gave me two bits of chocolate too, which is a win in anyone's book.  Plus a badge with 'gobshite' on it on the way out. Double win.  A lovely tweet from the Cake Pigeon later was sweet too.  She is too nice.

Last show of the day, H Anthony Hildebrand's "Why Is A Lettuce?" back at the Gilded Balloon.  I didn't know a great deal about him, but friends have recommended him and he's been chatty and friendly on Twitter.  The room was small and fantastically hot, but pretty full.  His show was funny, and thoughtful, and original, with just the right balance of intelligence/ridiculous whimsy (I'm a sucker for a pie chart or a stick drawing).  I felt the crowd could have given more, they were rather oddly subdued for 11pm on a Saturday night - or perhaps they weren't that bright and just weren't getting it.  I'd recommend the show, and hope it gets more up for it crowds, as it deserves.

Sunday 8 August

Top start to the day.  Went to the Caves to Susan Calman's lunchtime chat show "Calman Chats Up".  The guests were Josh Widdecombe, Keith Farnan and Sarah Millican.  All were funny, but Susan and Sarah together is comedy gold. I wish they'd taken over from Adrian and Christine on the One Show.  That would have been awesome.

Then to Urban Angel for a bit of lunch, actually brunch - toast, scrambled eggs and veggie sausages - which was delicious and came with an amazing chocolate brownie (well, it does if you order one, like I did).  Yummers.

And to the Stand, to see Bridget Christie/A Ant.  To be honest, I knew nothing much about her, other than that she's married to Stewart Lee, and we were really just taking a punt on that basis.  She came on first as A Ant, "the UK's only ant comedian".  I'm not normally a fan of this kinda stuff, but she really was funny as a pissed off, jaded ant who hates everyone and everything.  The shambles that was her home-made ant costume made it funnier (with another comedy gold moment later when she tried to re-enter the costume).  As herself, she was pretty good too - and seemed surprised the the (packed) room was enjoying it.  Her material was well thought out and funny, definitely worth a recommend.

Then to the Canons Gait, where Robin Ince was doing a free show, Robin Ince Asks Why?  In usual Robin fashion, he appeared to have nothing planned and yet what burst forth was still more intelligent and funny than most comedians can muster with months of planning.  Sometimes Robin's intelligence can be a bit intimidating but he balances it nicely with the occasional rant about nothing in particular.  If you go, prepare to be exhausted, for Robin barely stops to catch his breath in the whole hour. Great stuff, and amazing he has the energy for this given that he's doing three shows a day.  We'll see them all over the course of the month.

Finally, to the Pleasance for Russell Kane's "Smokescreens and Castles".  Being in the Beyond, he had a huge amount of space in which to prance around in his favoured style, and he made full use of it.  His show was about his upbringing and, to a large extent, his relationship with his dad.  The descriptions of his dad were so vivid you could imagine him sitting there complaining about Russell acting like a ponce (which he did, for a good portion of the hour).  Russell's style is energetic and warm and the crowd were lapping it up - who wouldn't?  With its poignant ending, the show was a lovely, warm, thoughtful one that I recommend everyone should see.  Very heartwarming.

Other things of note were:
-spotting Alex Horne in the Pleasance Courtyard with an awesome dog that looked like a black lab but in the shape of a beagle/bassett;
-spotting David O'Doherty, again in the Courtyard, with a line of children following after him like rats after the Pied Piper;
-saying hello to Scod from Tripod (SCOD!!!) in the Courtyard as he queued to go into a show;
-discovering the delight that is Crabbie's alcoholic ginger beer.

I bloody love the Fringe.

I am nothing if not easily led

Ok, so, my boyfriend did a blog. So I decided I wanted to do a blog as well.  It's a good thing I don't apply this logic to my entire life with him, or I'd be watching sc-fi, eating marmite and dabbling in stand-up.  None of these are things I care to do no matter how cool one of them might be.  I think we all know which one.

Aside from a few (ancient) blogs I did on Myspace (for which I don't even recall my password), I've never blogged before.  I always thought it was because I had nothing to say, but my voluminous tweets suggest otherwise. I'll qualify the statement, and say it's because I generally only have vacuous and ranty things to say.  But sometimes people like to read that, and I evidently like to write it, so this blog is as much for my own amusement as anyone else's.

My name's Helen, but if you follow me on Twitter you'll know me as Glamlovinkitty.  I've often thought about changing the name, even though I've used it for years, because people have told me it sounds a bit arrogant.  Let me clarify.  I'm not suggesting that I am glamorous. I'm really not, and have never thought I was.  I am 'glam lovin' in the sense that I love glam, the musical genre.  And the 'kitty' part is from the other name I sometimes post under, Metalkitten.  Now that I'm 38 (for another 8 days at least), they seem stupid names. But it's too late to go back now. 

So, I love glam (and other rock, and classical, music).  I hate manufactured pop crap, and particularly any 'reality' TV show that suggests that turning up to audition with 20,000 other imbeciles before letting 6 million imbeciles decide by phone which imbecile is the best, is the reality of the music business (apply this as necessary to the dancing/skating/living in a house with other imbeciles/being famous for no evident reason business).  

I live with my boyfriend and love our three cats, and comedy.  I bloody love comedy.  I also bloody hate some.  Some of you will already know what falls into which category.  Others will doubtless find out from future blogs.

Talking of future blogs, they'll cover comedy, music, books and the generally irritating things that happen to me on a daily basis.  Rarely will they be deep.  Occasionally they will be ranty.  Always, they will be typed in the Verdana font.  I don't know why, I just like the word.

The title of this blog comes from a song I like by the Only Ones.  It seemed apt.